#candy corn hookups

“Well, they can't all be winners, can they?” -Bad Santa (the advent calendar incident)

Of course all hookups are not created equal. They usually fall into one of the following categories:

THE TOP 10.......Cool guys, great-to-stellar sex, good rapport and chemistry, an encounter that leaves no bad aftertaste (pun slightly intended)

SMILES, EVERYONE, SMILES!.......No major complaints, adequate-to-good sex, no jackass moments, would be down for future meets. Most hookups fall into this category.

THE CHINESE FOOD......Tasty and satisfying while being consumed but quickly forgotten. You will be hungry again soon and probably for something different.

THE CANDY CORN......You expected and hoped for chocolate and instead got a candy corn (see above reference to Bad Santa).

I've had my fair share of Candy Corn hookups. Upon reflecting on these encounters, I've realized the cause of a bad hookup is almost always due to a lack of honesty and communication (Ha. Just like in a real relationship). Since we're breaking things down, here are the Candy Corn sub-categories:

BULLSHIT PICS: Photos that misrepresent your true appearance. I've learned to decipher what you're hiding by what is NOT revealed in your pics. Headshots-only means there's a body problem. I'm no twig by a long shot so I'm sure to post pics that clearly show me from head to toe. During the 'chatting' phase, I'll send naughty pics that more or less show exactly what you'll be getting. I've had a couple of guys who failed to mention that they were extremely overweight. Funny thing is, at least with the second guy, I had a feeling something was off. I even asked him straight out, “what's your major malfunction?” because the relationship stories he was telling didn't mesh with his pics and personality. I agreed to meet despite my slight misgivings because I liked his personality and face. Upon meeting, however, the personality changed. Witty and warm morphed into whiny and distant. I understand the expectations of rejection that come along with a surprise reveal, but hey, you know damn well that you were trying to get away with something. I'm polite to a fault, so even if Shrek's ugly cousin opened the door, my composure stays intact (I hope) and I'll probably still blow you. But don't expect a second meet. Kitty doesn't like to have the wool pulled over her eyes.

To be continued...